I am the monster

I can feel her creeping in again, and the question arises that always does – do I even bother keeping her at bay or do I let her in for awhile? Logically I should be calling/texting my therapist to make an appointment, but I hesitate. I haven’t had that option in the past and I’ve come through the other side relatively intact.

Something seems so clear to me at times when I should feel surrounded in love. Am I thing that has to die? Am I the thing that holds these people back from their true potential because I cannot reach my own? Am I the anchor that keeps you tethered to the past, the old version, the fail wheel?

I read Jenny and Wil and the words become a mantra as I try to break through the fog – “Depression lies, depression lies, depression lies”.

After all these years though, what remains so painfully true to me is that, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe not for me. I seem to be the most creative, capable version of myself when I’m clawing out of the well with her just a few feet beneath me and gaining.

Yet at these moments it is also so easy to add another tick-mark to the list of reasons why it’d be OK.

Look how happy they are, and you’re not part of that conversation

When’s the last time someone besides Marty/Josh/Brianna/Katie texted you when you didn’t text first

Dad’s right, you are a selfish little bitch

If they could survive Aaron, they sure as hell could survive you

Another week and you couldn’t be bothered to get the the gym? You’re pathetic

He doesn’t love you, you’re a convenience, you fucking idiot

You don’t deserve love

You deserve the judgmental eyes you disgusting pig

They don’t love you

They don’t love you

They don’t need you

You deserve to be alone

 

With me

 

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