I’m angry. Not just little bit of red-faced, flushed with boiling blood angry.
I am clothes tearing, Dr. Banner turned Hulk I need smash all the things angry.
I am angry you are gone, that is an inevitability.
I am angry for selfish reasons. I won’t ever see you again, hear your laugh, smell your smell…even your stanky ass hummus farts seem endearing lately.
I’m angry because I didn’t push harder…instead I�let things be assuming you would be ok because you always were…trusted that even with your mistakes/choices that things would never dip that far into the red. I’m angry because I was a fool…we all were to an extent.
I want to be angry with you, and I am to a certain degree but without you here for me to take out that anger on I have to turn it somewhere else. So I am doing what we’ve all been doing. Pointing the dagger at my own heart.
Yet I am angry at you for some things. I’m fucking pissed at you that our friends and your family have to go through this. I’m angry every time I want to soothe their pain and can’t. I’m angry whenever I go to do some mundane fucking task and all I can see is a memory of you, or hear something you said. So yeah, I guess I am angry at you…fucking dick.
I’m angry I have to have these memories now – your funeral…the hospital…hearing you were gone…fuck you man…you were NOT supposed to be the one to do this! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LEAST FUCKING LIKELY ONE OF US TO DO THIS!!
I keep scanning all the moments where maybe there was a sign we should have taken moreseriously but really…really you were you and you’d have been too god damn arrogant to listen…because that was you.
Maybe the reality is I’m fucking pissed at you because I’m projecting your actions on what I always do. Put on the glossy version for most to see while the demon lurks just below the surface…is that why we were so close after awhile? Did our demons catch a glimpse of each other? Is that the tie that binds us all?
I’d like to have shiny happy memories, and I do, but there’s this funky ass film to everything now I can’t shake…because I keep wondering who’s next to fall? That seems idiotic as well…the odds don’t compute.
How could someone so fucking smart do this shit…I honestly never got why any of you would jump to self medication…maybe it’s a me thing because I avoid the shit like the plague…I want the pain..it’s the only way I know I’m here…but fucking seriously why…and why didn’t you just let us be the assholes that made you go into rehab instead of the assholes that had to bury you?
I know I’m going to regret typing this up to some extent, even if it never sees the light of day I’ll have thought all these things…I will be that asshole and I have to deal with that…eventually maybe I’ll stop being angry but so far it’s the first tingle in my gut as soon as anything involving you comes up…that or hot fresh tears that just piss me off even more…
No matter how fucking fucked up shit was for you…we’d have moved mountains to get things back together…actually ya know what fuck it I won’t lie… We would have fucking tried…and we may have failed miserably or only done just what you would let us do but we’d TRY…and that’s all you can really ask of anyone, right?
Fuck…just fuck man what the fucking hell…I told you…I fucking told you to take care of yourself…you were important…
I’m with M on this, I dont‘ think you knew it was your last night…and when you WANTED it to be your last night it still was never going to be right…
Man I used to be good at this…writing down in such an eloquent�fashion the slew of emotion going through my veins…look at me…fucking shell of the former…guess we are the same in that regard…and I am sorry I let you slip that far…I am eternally sorry for that…even if you wouldn’t have listened�I should have at least said fucking something…anything more than what I did. FUCK!
The more sentimental side of me knows I should be better…for you…memory of you…what the fuck ever you want to call it. I should be the version of me you‘d hoped I could become…or at least I should have stronger passwords…
I’m angry I didn’t ask you more things…learn more from you…sponge up the knowledge a bit. Angry I didn’t share more with you…treated you for so long not as my friend but as another of “M’s friends” like I do everyone…because somehow y’all never belong to me, not really.