This Is Not My Idea

Do you have any idea how aggravating it is to not be able to listen to songs that used to bring you calm and peace?? Notes have become open wounds lately, there’s not a day I don’t have to skip a song or I’ll be a blubbering mess before I reach my destination.

Why am I still so damn angry about all of this? Why am I still so SILENT about all of this?

There’s got to be something said for those who struggle internally but I feel that I am seething far more at the simple fact that on the outside I probably appear to be very bubbly, unintelligent and generally happy when that is the farthest fucking thing from reality.

Beautiful disaster, well played illusion at best. Hide the mayhem so no one makes you go on medication again. Sometimes there are cracks in the vernier and now…he knows. Wants you to get help but you don’t see a point because what if…you’re the one that’s right?

What if you’re not really broken? What if the whatever the fuck they’d DSM you with isn’t really a problem but really a florescent lit window into the harsh light of reality? Maybe it’s really your synapses that got it right?

If that’s the case, why does my skin constantly crawl if I’m around the people that used to feel like home to me. Like they can see this thing devouring me and I have to act like they can’t?

Being consciously aware of how fucking wrong you feel 24/7 isn’t something I’d wish on anyone but I feel it ten fold since you left us. Every conversation drips with mediocrity when I’m screaming inside…every hug feels cheap and void because I keep wondering when it’s going to be the last one I ever get.

I’m still so damn mad…mad at you, mad at us. Why do we all think we’re hiding so well when we really see through each other’s shit more than anyone else? Why’d you think you were so damn clever and why in the FUCK didn’t we call you on it more…but would that really change anything?

Living inside my head in akin to watching a blurred version of a party you weren’t invited to. Everything seems to fit but you and when you try to carve out a spot it just feels fraudulent, ill fitting and itchy.

Spend more time wanting to punch everything into a paste than ever saying a word.


I fucking hate that your birthday is this weekend and that I’m not going to be able to be with our people.

Also, I fucking hate that it still feels like you’re just going to show up and go ‘the rumors of my demise are clearly untrue’ like a dick. That would be so you…

Fucking fuck fucker.

Let’s not, shall we?

Sigh…really man there are just days that I don’t want to do this without you.

I keep trying to rationalize what you’d want us to be doing…but it all just lands in the same craters over and over again…cliche and silly.

I may be an ass for this but I can’t romanticize who you are just because you’re not here. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you just as much, the flaws/oddities are what made you great.

Some days the pain is but an itch…others my guts may as well be only held to by my own arms…I’m just going to keep assuming that’s perfectly normal and roll with it.

I’m also of the mindset that I equally want there to be some level of consciousness post life…but also equally hoping there’s just vast nothing…and no conscious awareness of that fact.

I feel guilty when I go a day and I don’t think about you…I’m not ready to let you go yet…not that much. Not to that part of my brain where all the former friendships have gone to die…circumstances unlike yours but in the end it’s all the same graveyard anyway.

Buh…this gal gives up…don’t know how to be…who to be…realizing that I’m really becoming a totally crappy person/friend thing…lost touch with so many…always buried in my own crap…human Eeyore…everybody’s got their something…who needs me? I just like to watch everyone live and do these awesome things…even if I’m not there to witness them in person. Makes me totally proud to know these humans…but I don’t ever say it…and then shit like what happens to you comes in…and I ‘m reminded of all that I didn’t say…should have said…could have said…but didn’t. Does it matter? Did you know it anyway? Or did you secretly think I was just as much a pain in the ass as I sometimes felt you were?

Sadly it’s easier to talk to a void than it is to talk to my closest confidants…what a sad state of affairs…

Seems like everyone else is aging better like fine wine and I’m just stuck…I’m not getting better…the people that make me want to be better I hardly see. Let’s just cut the shit shall we…that’s the big problem in my relationship…financially intertwined and I feel like he brings out the worst in me…I feel uneducated and consistently defunct. What am I learning? What am I doing? I’m simply becoming a static version of myself…Teeza 1.5.3…never to be better…if I make myself better it’s going to be all on me and all for me…

You sir, are an asshole

Dude…I miss you.

Every time I learn some new nerdy thing I get all excited and then I remember…and I get mad and sadpants…

M and I went to see your parentals the other weekend. They seem as ok as they can be and as adorable as always. Wish I hung out at your house more but I didn’t know you when you lived there the first time.

Think I found a house – hoping it stays on the market/going to go check it out soonish. There’s a bathroom under a staircase which has led me down a path of being obsessed with decorating it HP style. You’d dig that or at least get a chuckle I hope.

I’m dying to read M’s book but I don’t want to until he’s ready for me to. E’s hanging in there – game night at her place this weekend should be fun times. Why’d you keep us apart man? I don’t get you sometimes…

Work is still going well – really happy to be in a place that’s this chill and I still get to do crap I haven’t before/learn new thingies. NEW THINGIES!

For serious though, I miss yer face…douche canoe.

Sad Panda

This might be weird but whatever…if the afterlife has intertubes this totally counts.

Someone’s actually willing to give me monies for a house…and I want you to know that because you would be happy with me and tell me important things about that.

Me misses you. But I’m still mad.

I’m just gonna put this here, ok…

I’m angry. Not just little bit of red-faced, flushed with boiling blood angry.

I am clothes tearing, Dr. Banner turned Hulk I need smash all the things angry.

I am angry you are gone, that is an inevitability.

I am angry for selfish reasons. I won’t ever see you again, hear your laugh, smell your smell…even your stanky ass hummus farts seem endearing lately.

I’m angry because I didn’t push harder…instead I�let things be assuming you would be ok because you always were…trusted that even with your mistakes/choices that things would never dip that far into the red. I’m angry because I was a fool…we all were to an extent.

I want to be angry with you, and I am to a certain degree but without you here for me to take out that anger on I have to turn it somewhere else. So I am doing what we’ve all been doing. Pointing the dagger at my own heart.

Yet I am angry at you for some things. I’m fucking pissed at you that our friends and your family have to go through this. I’m angry every time I want to soothe their pain and can’t. I’m angry whenever I go to do some mundane fucking task and all I can see is a memory of you, or hear something you said. So yeah, I guess I am angry at you…fucking dick.

I’m angry I have to have these memories now – your funeral…the hospital…hearing you were gone…fuck you man…you were NOT supposed to be the one to do this! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LEAST FUCKING LIKELY ONE OF US TO DO THIS!!

I keep scanning all the moments where maybe there was a sign we should have taken moreseriously but really…really you were you and you’d have been too god damn arrogant to listen…because that was you.

Maybe the reality is I’m fucking pissed at you because I’m projecting your actions on what I always do. Put on the glossy version for most to see while the demon lurks just below the surface…is that why we were so close after awhile? Did our demons catch a glimpse of each other? Is that the tie that binds us all?

I’d like to have shiny happy memories, and I do, but there’s this funky ass film to everything now I can’t shake…because I keep wondering who’s next to fall? That seems idiotic as well…the odds don’t compute.

How could someone so fucking smart do this shit…I honestly never got why any of you would jump to self medication…maybe it’s a me thing because I avoid the shit like the plague…I want the’s the only way I know I’m here…but fucking seriously why…and why didn’t you just let us be the assholes that made you go into rehab instead of the assholes that had to bury you?

I know I’m going to regret typing this up to some extent, even if it never sees the light of day I’ll have thought all these things…I will be that asshole and I have to deal with that…eventually maybe I’ll stop being angry but so far it’s the first tingle in my gut as soon as anything involving you comes up…that or hot fresh tears that just piss me off even more…

No matter how fucking fucked up shit was for you…we’d have moved mountains to get things back together…actually ya know what fuck it I won’t lie… We would have fucking tried…and we may have failed miserably or only done just what you would let us do but we’d TRY…and that’s all you can really ask of anyone, right?

Fuck…just fuck man what the fucking hell…I told you…I fucking told you to take care of yourself…you were important…

I’m with M on this, I dont‘ think you knew it was your last night…and when you WANTED it to be your last night it still was never going to be right…

Man I used to be good at this…writing down in such an eloquent�fashion the slew of emotion going through my veins…look at me…fucking shell of the former…guess we are the same in that regard…and I am sorry I let you slip that far…I am eternally sorry for that…even if you wouldn’t have listened�I should have at least said fucking something…anything more than what I did. FUCK!

The more sentimental side of me knows I should be better…for you…memory of you…what the fuck ever you want to call it. I should be the version of me you‘d hoped I could become…or at least I should have stronger passwords…

I’m angry I didn’t ask you more things…learn more from you…sponge up the knowledge a bit. Angry I didn’t share more with you…treated you for so long not as my friend but as another of “M’s friends” like I do everyone…because somehow y’all never belong to me, not really.