Let’s not, shall we?

Sigh…really man there are just days that I don’t want to do this without you.

I keep trying to rationalize what you’d want us to be doing…but it all just lands in the same craters over and over again…cliche and silly.

I may be an ass for this but I can’t romanticize who you are just because you’re not here. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you just as much, the flaws/oddities are what made you great.

Some days the pain is but an itch…others my guts may as well be only held to by my own arms…I’m just going to keep assuming that’s perfectly normal and roll with it.

I’m also of the mindset that I equally want there to be some level of consciousness post life…but also equally hoping there’s just vast nothing…and no conscious awareness of that fact.

I feel guilty when I go a day and I don’t think about you…I’m not ready to let you go yet…not that much. Not to that part of my brain where all the former friendships have gone to die…circumstances unlike yours but in the end it’s all the same graveyard anyway.

Buh…this gal gives up…don’t know how to be…who to be…realizing that I’m really becoming a totally crappy person/friend thing…lost touch with so many…always buried in my own crap…human Eeyore…everybody’s got their something…who needs me? I just like to watch everyone live and do these awesome things…even if I’m not there to witness them in person. Makes me totally proud to know these humans…but I don’t ever say it…and then shit like what happens to you comes in…and I ‘m reminded of all that I didn’t say…should have said…could have said…but didn’t. Does it matter? Did you know it anyway? Or did you secretly think I was just as much a pain in the ass as I sometimes felt you were?

Sadly it’s easier to talk to a void than it is to talk to my closest confidants…what a sad state of affairs…

Seems like everyone else is aging better like fine wine and I’m just stuck…I’m not getting better…the people that make me want to be better I hardly see. Let’s just cut the shit shall we…that’s the big problem in my relationship…financially intertwined and I feel like he brings out the worst in me…I feel uneducated and consistently defunct. What am I learning? What am I doing? I’m simply becoming a static version of myself…Teeza 1.5.3…never to be better…if I make myself better it’s going to be all on me and all for me…

You sir, are an asshole

Dude…I miss you.

Every time I learn some new nerdy thing I get all excited and then I remember…and I get mad and sadpants…

M and I went to see your parentals the other weekend. They seem as ok as they can be and as adorable as always. Wish I hung out at your house more but I didn’t know you when you lived there the first time.

Think I found a house – hoping it stays on the market/going to go check it out soonish. There’s a bathroom under a staircase which has led me down a path of being obsessed with decorating it HP style. You’d dig that or at least get a chuckle I hope.

I’m dying to read M’s book but I don’t want to until he’s ready for me to. E’s hanging in there – game night at her place this weekend should be fun times. Why’d you keep us apart man? I don’t get you sometimes…

Work is still going well – really happy to be in a place that’s this chill and I still get to do crap I haven’t before/learn new thingies. NEW THINGIES!

For serious though, I miss yer face…douche canoe.

Sad Panda

This might be weird but whatever…if the afterlife has intertubes this totally counts.

Someone’s actually willing to give me monies for a house…and I want you to know that because you would be happy with me and tell me important things about that.

Me misses you. But I’m still mad.

I’m just gonna put this here, ok…

I’m angry. Not just little bit of red-faced, flushed with boiling blood angry.

I am clothes tearing, Dr. Banner turned Hulk I need smash all the things angry.

I am angry you are gone, that is an inevitability.

I am angry for selfish reasons. I won’t ever see you again, hear your laugh, smell your smelleven your stanky ass hummus farts seem endearing lately.

I’m angry because I didn’t push harderinstead I�let things be assuming you would be ok because you always weretrusted that even with your mistakes/choices that things would never dip that far into the red. I’m angry because I was a foolwe all were to an extent.

I want to be angry with you, and I am to a certain degree but without you here for me to take out that anger on I have to turn it somewhere else. So I am doing what we’ve all been doing. Pointing the dagger at my own heart.

Yet I am angry at you for some things. I’m fucking pissed at you that our friends and your family have to go through this. I’m angry every time I want to soothe their pain and can’t. I’m angry whenever I go to do some mundane fucking task and all I can see is a memory of you, or hear something you said. So yeah, I guess I am angry at youfucking dick.

I’m angry I have to have these memories now – your funeralthe hospitalhearing you were gonefuck you manyou were NOT supposed to be the one to do this! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE LEAST FUCKING LIKELY ONE OF US TO DO THIS!!

I keep scanning all the moments where maybe there was a sign we should have taken moreseriously but reallyreally you were you and you’d have been too god damn arrogant to listenbecause that was you.

Maybe the reality is I’m fucking pissed at you because I’m projecting your actions on what I always do. Put on the glossy version for most to see while the demon lurks just below the surfaceis that why we were so close after awhile? Did our demons catch a glimpse of each other? Is that the tie that binds us all?

I’d like to have shiny happy memories, and I do, but there’s this funky ass film to everything now I can’t shakebecause I keep wondering who’s next to fall? That seems idiotic as wellthe odds don’t compute.

How could someone so fucking smart do this shitI honestly never got why any of you would jump to self medicationmaybe it’s a me thing because I avoid the shit like the plagueI want the pain..it’s the only way I know I’m herebut fucking seriously whyand why didn’t you just let us be the assholes that made you go into rehab instead of the assholes that had to bury you?

I know I’m going to regret typing this up to some extent, even if it never sees the light of day I’ll have thought all these thingsI will be that asshole and I have to deal with thateventually maybe I’ll stop being angry but so far it’s the first tingle in my gut as soon as anything involving you comes upthat or hot fresh tears that just piss me off even more…

No matter how fucking fucked up shit was for youwe’d have moved mountains to get things back togetheractually ya know what fuck it I won’t lie… We would have fucking triedand we may have failed miserably or only done just what you would let us do but we’d TRYand that’s all you can really ask of anyone, right?

Fuckjust fuck man what the fucking hellI told youI fucking told you to take care of yourselfyou were important…

I’m with M on this, I dont‘ think you knew it was your last nightand when you WANTED it to be your last night it still was never going to be right…

Man I used to be good at thiswriting down in such an eloquent�fashion the slew of emotion going through my veinslook at mefucking shell of the formerguess we are the same in that regardand I am sorry I let you slip that farI am eternally sorry for thateven if you wouldn’t have listened�I should have at least said fucking somethinganything more than what I did. FUCK!

The more sentimental side of me knows I should be betterfor youmemory of youwhat the fuck ever you want to call it. I should be the version of me you‘d hoped I could becomeor at least I should have stronger passwords…

I’m angry I didn’t ask you more thingslearn more from yousponge up the knowledge a bit. Angry I didn’t share more with youtreated you for so long not as my friend but as another of “M’s friends” like I do everyonebecause somehow y’all never belong to me, not really.