Lift the Weight

I’m so out of practice at this we’ll see where this goes, where it flows, where the river leads me. Great Loves playlist let’s do this.

My thoughts have been Aaron and Jess heavy as of late. I want a peek into the past, a moment in their presence. To dance with the devil, make it through it hell and see who survives this time.

Sometimes I wish I could just record exactly what my brain says, but then again, that’s a can of worms no one needs access to. That’s a fucked thought, about people who use assistive tech to talk, if that gets wired straight into your brain imagine the slips that you couldn’t stop from loosing out to the world.

Sometimes I wish it was me. Most of the time I wish it was me. The world would be better if it were them here and not me. What am I really doing with the shell of a human that is still here that makes that trade worth it? Them or me? How are we different, I did and they didn’t and it doesn’t feel right.

Not always that dark, it really isn’t but some days. Some days. Wonder why we’d bother with all this when it never lasts but yet here we are. I can see it now. Do you remember we were sitting there by Vandercook Lake, smoking and telling tales into the night? Dreaming dreams we’d neither ever make real. What could you be with a different roll of the die? Who would you be if one of us had just put out the branch instead of assuming you’d be fine?

Is that what I really worry about with me? That everyone thinks I’ll be fine because I’ve always survived everything else? Adjusting to this very real thing that might kill me is fucking with that so hard. I’ve never been afraid of my own mortality but I am pissed at the idea that I don’t get to decide how I go out. When you spend most of your teen years dreaming of the day after someone finds you gone it’s hard to take that power from yourself.

Yeah, yeah I know that’s not normal but when have I ever been good at that shit? Where’s the fun in that?

That’s why I can’t be mad at either of you, you went on your own terms. Well probably, we’ll never really know that will we? I feel nothing sometimes, certainly not brave, not sane. Not always. Random acts of hopelessness. Wish you could stay here but I think you’re already gone. I want the veil to be thinner these days but most of the time I know the energy you held is not hanging around for me. No matter how much I’d like it to. I’m not the great love in that story, I’m not sure I am in anyone’s despite all the love I do have. I know it’s not a void that I once felt it was but it’s not the same as what I feel I sometimes pour out to the ether either.

Where can the love go when the people you need to give it to are gone? You gotta help me out. Cash out and get the hell out of town.

It’s like I’m stuck, like I’m running from me all the time. I know I let things have all the power. I’ll get there, I’ll get out, but then what? How long before the same old cycles repeat and I just find myself in the exact same place again?

Human beings can’t have been meant to live like this. These small insignificant things who are the world to the people they touch. Such a weird thing. My world grows smaller the older we get, only bits of people know me to the depth that make me more than a shallow little puddle of a person. How I wish I could see me all the time they way they do. I’m working on it, always but undoing the damage is work and some days I just don’t have the energy to fight myself.

I’m hooked on it I need a fix, I can’t take it
Just one more hit, I promise I can deal with it
I’ll handle it, quit it, just one more time, then that’s it

That song used to be Brian, then Jess, today it’s Aaron. thinking of your last moments and what drove them. So many questions unanswered. Same for you as Jess. I’m not mad at you for leaving, but I really wish you’d stayed.

Funny I can say that about everyone but myself with full certainty.

We were laughin’ until we were breathless
Never felt anything so reckless
We were all lit up and restless
And coming alive and we were

Up all night and we were feelin’ so good
Yeah, we got a little higher than we probably should
We were in a hotel singin’ in the hallway lights
We were strikin’ the matches right down to the ashes
Settin’ the world on fire

Trips to nowhere, no plan, just go. See what comes of it. That was what you brought me and I miss it so desperately sometimes. How stuck I feel in the same day on repeat without you to come shake me out of it, to bring me some recklessness for a little while. I miss you so much and I don’t even know if you thought of me as a friend by the end. Maybe I was an enemy to your heart by then because I threw up a white flag and flimsy rope instead of a solid ladder.

Yet I wonder if we really knew each other at all. Do any of us now? Are we just comfort food to each other. Familiar curves of a road traveled a million times over. Grooves warn deep in a record tried and true. Sometimes I don’t think you know me at all. One too many times to remember I heard your voice speak of intellectual inspiration. I hope that you make the right choices. I feel you in my solitude. Am I wasting my time?

Half the fun in my writing now reminds me of LiveJournal style entries I used to do. Mix my own poetry in between song lyrics and movie quotes. If that ain’t the most ‘us’ thing ever babes I don’t know what is.

That’s enough for now, back to the music, let it all carry the things I can’t always put words to.

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