Not too many years ago, had this happened then, I would have written openly and often. Now, I don’t want to perform my grief for anyone. I don’t want to join the ‘who loved her most Olympics’ or prove to anyone who she was to me or who I was to her. 

Same with Aaron now. I sit with it. Feels like I should name it. Perhaps I’ll call you George. 

I don’t want the sorry. I don’t want the what happened. I don’t want the hollow nature that our social network based lives has brought. Ok I did the thing, now what? As though one post negates the years ahead of you and hours and minutes with your soul crushed adjusting to your new normal. 

Some people will expect a timeline. Others will beg for silence. The rest you’ll just make uncomfortable. 

I never hated her choices. I only wanted to understand them same as anyone’s. The what has never been more important than the why. 

I may bitch about all of our faults but end of the day I still love unconditionally and would go to bat for any of my people. 

Maybe I just don’t want to make more connections to be inevitably severed. 

I can’t take more of this. 

Maybe I’m scared that I’m reaching a limit and now It would be easy to say I want to be with Jess and Aaron.