I’m feeling a bit like toasted crap on a cracker these last few days. Spurred by the passing of Carrie Fisher and in true ‘I am an adult’ fashion I decided to rewatch Star Wars and Carrie Fisher’s Wishful Drinking yesterday. Continuing the trend, I read her book of the same title and am watching Empire and Jedi which should end just as 2017 hits. For the record, 2017 hit just as Luke was lighting Anakin’s funeral pyre. Perfect.

Watching Jedi, there’s something that is annoying me about the storyline now that I don’t think ever has in the past. Luke tells Leia who she really is and instead of training her and taking on Vader together, he’s off to take on Daddy Darth alone. So much for power in numbers.

I’ve been really hit by the passing of Carrie, she was an enjoyable presence for me anytime she showed up on film. She seemed a kindred spirit, I only much later came to understand the many layers of why.

I probably could have powered through hanging out last night but my head feels like a bowling ball and my heart…well it hurts. The past two years have been so trying for my parental and personal health that I am struggling even this morning to find that silver lining in it all. Especially as SHE is telling me over and over ‘see, it didn’t matter at all that you weren’t there. you see how easy everyone keeps moving without you?’ She’s a liar, and I know that, but she’s a loud little bitch when there’s a little FOMO in the air.

My head feels big, is it big? Ugh, fucking cold why you gotta hit me when I’m on vacation. Such a dick move.

What I meant to say in all this before I got tired and went to bed and gave up after the layer of why comment is that despite not knowing them personally, we all attach some level of understanding and kinship to the people we admire. For me, especially lately, the people I admire are my fellow depression-eers. Like a little micky mouse club of fucked up neurons. Helps to know I’m not alone, and that there is a great deal of our clan that write to soothe the savage beast within.

That’s what I want back in my 2017, I want my words back. That’s been a struggle for so long now that I have to just do it. Just write. Even if it’s total shite, get something out. On paper, in 1’s and 0’s, it really doesn’t matter. I just need to do it.

Someday my words will be all that is left of me, I want to make sure they say something accurate, funny, and true. Sometimes if you have the right perspective even the worst moments apply.

I hope Josh wakes up soon, his presence and first hug and kiss of the year will make her shut up a little bit. For a little while anyway.