I think I’ve gotten too good at pretending
Too skilled at playing normal
I don’t reach out when I should, afraid to become a burden. Afraid that he’s been right all along. That reaching makes me selfish. That no one cares. That I’m not worth their time. Every day without a ding of a text proving again and again how little I cross anyone’s mind. Proving again and again that in the end all friendship I have ever had was in my head. Don’t you know they don’t care about you really? They’re just being nice you stupid twat. You think you really matter? Idiot.
This is how my brain works. This is how it speaks. Doesn’t matter if I spend every moment for a week with people I love or have spent a month by myself. All the moments amount to nothing. All the fear of missing out still ultimately leaves me home alone in fear that I’ll waste someone’s time. That my words don’t help. That my actions don’t matter. That all the hours I spend thinking about them aren’t returned even an ounce.
If no one knows you spent three hours trying to craft the perfect message or gif to send them you just seem callous and weird when you finally hit send. Maybe that’s true either way. If they don’t know how often you hear a song or see something and think of them, did it even happen? Do you even feel, bro? If you start bringing these things up now, will they deem you a stalker? Think you’ve gone crackers?
All the dark moments in my life. All the memories I wish I could rid myself of. I can’t. Speak of them in jest. As though they are not crushing your lungs.
You’re doing it again. Making it all about you. Fucking cunt. No wonder they don’t bother with you. Haven’t you got anything new to talk about? Don’t you know they’re tired of your same old shit?
People you used to talk to every day. Share meals with. Share moments. What do you do now? Cower and hide because you know there’s judgement in their eyes. You aren’t worthy. You made poor choices. They don’t trust your decision. Who you love reflects on you. What’s that mean? Know it, accept it. Cry. Who cares if you do? None. Exactly.
Should have been you. That’s what still kills you, isn’t it? Should have been you. You could be lost. You are inconsequential. Try to offer a trade. Dean for Sam. Sam for Dean. Take me instead. Give them back someone useful. Someone worthy.
Be ok. Gotta be ok. Be ok today. Joke. Don’t choke. Put on the mask. Keep walking. Shh, we’ll meet again soon.
I don’t hate you. Hate’s not my jam. Hard to hate someone for doing something they’ve always done, for following the rule book they always have. Some actions no longer surprise when they’ve become someone’s repertoire. That said, it’s a far shittier thing to don your familiar mask against someone who least deserves it. We’re all dark and twisty here, this was the sacred circle after all. If we can’t be 100% who we are with each other, what the fuck are we even doing this for anymore?
We’ve all done shitty things. We’ve all been shitty people. Own and atone, isn’t that what we’ve all been hoping to be strong enough to do all along? Be brave. Live. Flaws and all. Make our own happy, but not at the expense of ourselves or the rest of our flock. That’s the fucked up part. What data am I missing where that part makes any damn sense?
My instinct is to extend empathy and seek to understand, not condemn. Until your actions, or inaction as it were, give me reason do so.
I can’t hate you, but I can question your motives. I can’t hate you, but I wonder what sign I missed? Did I screw up? Did I let you down by not seeing the smoke rings you put out ? Was I too caught up in my own bindings to notice you were drowning too? Has the flawlessly flawed veneer I put on everyone fooled me once again?
I want to give you space to seek me when you are ready, knowing that pursuit often makes you flee. However, just as much of me wants to show up in your life so you can’t avoid me anymore. Wonders why am I being avoided in the first place. What traits have been pinned on me that make me a path of least desire?
I don’t want to yell at you, I don’t even want to judge you. I just want to make sure you’re not bleeding to death in front of our eyes. Whether you stay in this circle or not is on you just as much as it’s on us to let you. Either way, we tried.
I can forgive anything, but I never forget
The tattered tapestries my tribe wove have
Given me the empathy to accept the twisted
Darkness in anyone and keep moving
What will you do now?
It’s what you do afterwards that counts
That’s when I find out who you really are
Did I romanticize you into a being you can never be?
Do my hopes for the people I love give them impossible standards to reach?
Do you care enough to reach back or
Have I been reaching out into darkness all along?
That’s the thing about humans
They’ll disappoint you
TFW you get physical items with your art on them for your DFA and you’re having ALL.THE.FEELS.
So, I did a thing. A thing I have no idea will be well received or may get me called a giant cunt. I’m hoping for the first one but history tells me it might be that second guy.
I just thought it was a cute, stupid, fitting way to have a thing that ties what’s left of us together. One hoodie at a time. I hope you like this, dude, you’re part of this stupid little group of IT misfts like it or not. He’d want it that way, and I feel like he’d get a laugh out of this while I am a weepy.fucking.mess.
I’m compelled to share this entry from Wil for a myriad of reasons. Primarily because I have lived this day. More times than I would wish on anyone. I’ve never been quite able to put into words what it is like. How much I have fought, yelled at doctors on behalf of someone I love dearly. I have questioned, to their faces in some cases, if these medical professionals even cared to save and give a quality of life back to my mother. I have pleaded with them, what if this was your mother, treat her as though she was your mother, please. Years spent waking up in the wee hours to her screaming. Walking up the staircase from my room to ‘hers’ to watch TV, bring her warm rice bags, anything to help ease her pain for a few hours and calm her back to sleep. Moments I don’t talk about, things I don’t share because I don’t want to bring shame to her. Feeling and wondering if anyone would ever love me enough to do those things for me. I am more empathetic to what Wil and Anne have gone through than I will even get into now. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to verbalize in any concise manner how those days have felt. How much armor I feel I have built, preparations in my castle for what will inevitably come, how many times I have thought it was already knocking at our door. For her. For him. I may never really be ready, no matter what my gallows humor would say to the contrary.
I’ve been fighting a cold, infection, flu, I have no idea for over a week now. I have no idea how this plague has befallen me but I both rue and lament it. Sorry, I fell asleep to Futurama and that was a part of a Fry quote I awoke to this morning.
An only funny to me probably side effect of this is how thin my mental wires are stretched when I’m physically ill. I’m paranoid about everything, I’m even more inclined to believe that everyone would be happier if I were dead and that no one really likes me anyway so who the fuck cares. She’s on fire when the rest of me is too tired to fight her off. She’s ready to pounce and bitch at anyone even if they’re just being kind and trying to help. Takes an odd level of effort to not be that raging cunt. To not let her win, not let her sever all the ties to my sanity and safety.
I saw this the day it was released. My immediate thought was to share it to you on FB, and then I remembered. That nagging little bitch that is reality reminded me that, if I do, it doesn’t really matter. Cuz you’re dead. Someone else might enjoy it, but the inside joke of it, the ANGST, the HUGGINGS response wouldn’t happen because, you’re dead. Still, here I am, writing a thing to a dead person. Like ya do. Izzard is never the same, Spine is never the same, Rilo is never the same. Nothing is the same. Time shifts that, but there are too many moments where an instant of joy gets insta-fucked out of existence because this is our reality.
My want to share will never go away, but there’s this weird level that goes with doing so now, because your page is still there. The eyes are still on it, and I don’t necessarily want those eyes on me.
I’m far behind on a great deal of my favorite sites to read again. Result of simply trying to step away from all things informational for the sake of my sanity, yeah, but it’s still a pretty poor excuse.
Something I often find humans saying are sentencesÂ starting with “If money were no object”. The sad aspect of that is how often the ending to those sentences fall into realms of physical things or experiences someone wants for themselves, vs actions that could be taken to help others.
This is one of the things I enjoy about sites like UpWorthy. They focus on stories quite often of people that fill in that blank in a more altruistic way.
This article in particular did something for me that many of theirs do. Calls to attention something I had not thought of but makes me want to make change however I can, even if it starts with a simple petition/writing. Very Â much like Haven House and their striving to keep families together, I was unaware of the issues within shelters that separate families in the first place. I was equally ignorant until this article of how few shelters are given ability/rights to take pets along with women. In this instance specifically those seeking refuge from domestic abuse.
I imagine quite often pets can be the one things someone fleeing such a situation may be able to hold on to. Having to choose to leave them must be devastating. So I have to ask the question, where could I start seeking change? Can I seek that change state-wide? Can I seek it locally? Time to do some research. If money were no object, I’d like to open one up myself. Might be something worth aiming for. I think so.
RENT was fantastic as always, but to be entirely honest I’m not up for writing tonight. Not doing so great with this WRITING thing, but at least I’m trying. Gonna go watch some Dooger and call it a night.
In 5 short days I will be seeing RENT for the second time live. There’s a part of the stage play in particular that has been hitting me hard this year. During a Life Support meeting one of the members, Gordon, notes that ‘reason says I should have died, three years ago’. That hits hard this year in particular because there are days when it feels like something of me DID die three years ago. Something big that I can’t get back. An A2 poop sized chunk of my heart that I can’t get back no matter how much I want it or how many Spine songs I blare in my car. That reality is something we all face, and if it weren’t for the support we give each other I don’t think I could do it.
Darkly funny that I have come out with strength from something that just as easily rips me apart. I’ve never been very shy about taboo topics of conversation or thoughts that others reply with ‘I don’t want to go there’.
I DO WANT TO GO THERE. ‘There’ is where the best conversations are! That’s something I’ll always miss about Aaron, something I am eternally grateful for with Marty, Brianna, Jess, Brian, and Josh. They let me go to the darkest and weirdest parts of my little wormy brain without (visible) judgement.
I hope I have done the same for you. I’m here for your light, your dark, your shallow and your worm holes. There’s only US. There’s only THIS. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
As much as I like to think we can prepare for the inevitable loss of all breathing things we love, we don’t. We can say we do, we can pretend it’s not a gutting experience, but that’s not true.
Loss is loss no matter what, and whatÂ is so frustrating in the process that is simply that you can’t stop it. I couldn’t stop my Grandmother from taking her last breath, I couldn’t stop Aaron from his, and I can’t stop Duke’s last moments from happening. That’s not the power I actually want, it’s the ripple effects, the pain, that comes with those last exhales. The shifts that take place, the moments when you go to say a name and stop yourself because you wonder if it’s ok to utter those words yet. The moments you stop yourself because you remember and your heart breaks into a million little pieces all over again. The seconds when I hear a song and my eyes begin to well and my chest gets tighter. That’s what I’d rather be the consumer of than have to have anyone I care for feel. I’d rather shield and hide the pain in the deep crevices of my black little heart than make anyone else live them. That’s a far reaching statement if ever there was one.
I always think that I’m going to share all my darkest moments at some point, but I don’t. Those little home movies are too much sometimes, burned into my neurons in ways I can’t shake. I’m sorry that you have them too, that you’ll have them in yours. I’ll share them with you whenever you ask, no matter how dark they are. I’ve seen plenty, and there’s only more to be consumed. So it goes.
I’m still deliciously obsessed with this album. If you don’t have it, you should, it’s fantastic. This song though, hits into some things in me I hadn’t anticipated. The words ‘god damn right you should be scared of me’ has deeper threads to me than it probably does for most. The demons in my life are in many ways always my own, but that hasn’t always been the case. For a long while I’ve simply dealt with someone else’s. A byproduct of addiction, always wanting to protect someone else from the same fate.
I’m still a little too full of snark and sass about the past couple of days to do the deeper thoughts rolling around my head justice. So, until I’m ready, let’s share some silly stupid shit/randos instead?
So the 20th Buffy Anniversary happened…so here’s something about that.
I’ll have a much longer tirade to go on with all the goings on surrounding my Grandmother’s burial I’m sure. Whether that ends up here or on the podcast remains to be seen.
Today I’ll be heading ‘home’ again, to our old church, right across the street from my first childhood home that was across the street from my school/church. I’ll be at my Grandfather’s gravemarker for the first time in I think at least 3 or 4 years. This time, not to have a conversation with the wind, but to add my Grams to this place we visit the decaying corpses of our loved ones though the energy they held is no longer there.
All of this brings to mind the same thoughts I had, in part, with Aaron’s passing. How weird some of our traditions and socially accepted grieving patterns can be. I’m also finding, though I have a feeling some in my family find me strange, peculiar, or uncaring for this; it is far easier to let someone go when you knew in every fiber of your being that they were ready. Grams hadn’t been HER in years. The hardest pill to swallow was these last few years of her not being at her house in her chair. Her not being there with a quick quip at someone’s expense, memory sharper than most of ours. That was gutting. Her passing not in her own bed, in her own home as she wanted. That hurts. The rest of this, for me at least, is the other part of what she wanted. Her family, talking, laughing, and being US without apology. She didn’t want tears, she hated wishy washy mushy crap (gee, wonder if that’s genetic? 🙂 ). I’m just trying to give her the send off she deserves, as much as what is going on in some pockets goes against that.
Hedwig and the Angry Inch was everything I could have wanted it to be and more. Given I feel it’s the kind of show you have to see for yourself I don’t want to spoil anything but I will share one of my favorite numbers and just say that it was something I desperately needed.
I’m writing now because I don’t think I will get a solid opportunity to do so later. While I know that Hedwig will be amazing in addition to being cathartic tonight, I have other thoughts that need to be released to the void.
I hate obituaries. Narrowing down someone’s entire life to a few paragraphs (if that) is ridiculous and frustrating. I also hate how for most women, the last words put in print about them usually dwell not on her accomplishments or her own mind, but on the offspring she produced, and their offspring. Creating life is cool and everything but other than her choice to have children allowing my own life to exist, she was so much more to me. Having her life boiled down to a few sentences about her kids and their kids…feels so empty.
A short list of things you were to me, Dorothea Veronica Mears (Zoltowski)
taker of no shit
giver of hugs
brusher of knotted hair
ear of endless listening
believer in my weird
laugher of my stubbornness
encourager of my fight
embracer of my ideas
You didn’t always agree with everything I did or said, but you let me have my say. From knee high to towering above you I was always able to speak my truth between your walls. Be me with no apologies or fear. Thank you for giving me the environment to be exactly who I am. Thank you for pushing me to be self reliant, self sufficient, and self motivating. Thank you for being a pain in the ass when you needed to be, speaking your mind, and making no apologies for your beliefs. You were a beautifully flawed creature, like all the best humans are. You changed over time as life changed with you, you were not the same human to me you were for your kids, but that’s just the way it is. Thank you for being part of my three piece mother set, my generational sounding board.
As a means to distract myself from the impending doom of dealing with my extended family for days on end I decided to finish playing the game, INSIDE, this afternoon. This is the kind of game you can’t really talk about without spoiling it entirely for someone else. I will just say, play it. Play it and get lost in the puzzles, the atmosphere, the possibilities of what it all means. Just play it.
The metaphors run rampant and the scenery is equally beautifully and terrifying. A bit like life itself. I needed that darkness today, felt right.
My grandmother passed away a few hours ago. I have so many thoughtsÂ spinning around this event but I can’t do them justice right now. I will write more in the morning. For now I will say this. Thank you, you tough old bird, I love you.
So, I almost forgot that I even wrote that I would do a post a day for the month of March. Ooops. Off to a great start, kid!
I listened to one of my favorite story podcasts on the way home from work tonight – Welcome to Night Vale.Â I was turned on to this podcast by a friend of mine who is also a weird science fiction fan a few years ago, binged about 50 episodes and have been hooked ever since.
One of the things I like most about Night Vale is the way their writers put a whimsical yet philosophical look at current events in our world through the lens of a world that resembles us, just enough, but with totally different rules. If you listen, start back at episode 1 because everything is linear.
There are many times I listen to the show and say that I will go back and grab a certain section to quote later. I never do this and I was thinking again how disappointed in myself I am that I fail to do so over and over.
Instead of trying to dig through my brainpan and find a slew of perfect quotes to share, I decided to share some art I found instead. These are some of the gems you find in Night Vale amidst creatures and entities you won’t expect.