Sigh…really man there are just days that I don’t want to do this without you.
I keep trying to rationalize what you’d want us to be doing…but it all just lands in the same craters over and over again…cliche and silly.
I may be an ass for this but I can’t romanticize who you are just because you’re not here. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you just as much, the flaws/oddities are what made you great.
Some days the pain is but an itch…others my guts may as well be only held to by my own arms…I’m just going to keep assuming that’s perfectly normal and roll with it.
I’m also of the mindset that I equally want there to be some level of consciousness post life…but also equally hoping there’s just vast nothing…and no conscious awareness of that fact.
I feel guilty when I go a day and I don’t think about you…I’m not ready to let you go yet…not that much. Not to that part of my brain where all the former friendships have gone to die…circumstances unlike yours but in the end it’s all the same graveyard anyway.
Buh…this gal gives up…don’t know how to be…who to be…realizing that I’m really becoming a totally crappy person/friend thing…lost touch with so many…always buried in my own crap…human Eeyore…everybody’s got their something…who needs me? I just like to watch everyone live and do these awesome things…even if I’m not there to witness them in person. Makes me totally proud to know these humans…but I don’t ever say it…and then shit like what happens to you comes in…and I ‘m reminded of all that I didn’t say…should have said…could have said…but didn’t. Does it matter? Did you know it anyway? Or did you secretly think I was just as much a pain in the ass as I sometimes felt you were?
Sadly it’s easier to talk to a void than it is to talk to my closest confidants…what a sad state of affairs…
Seems like everyone else is aging better like fine wine and I’m just stuck…I’m not getting better…the people that make me want to be better I hardly see. Let’s just cut the shit shall we…that’s the big problem in my relationship…financially intertwined and I feel like he brings out the worst in me…I feel uneducated and consistently defunct. What am I learning? What am I doing? I’m simply becoming a static version of myself…Teeza 1.5.3…never to be better…if I make myself better it’s going to be all on me and all for me…